Very rare comes the time when emotions are raw, when words cannot emanate the extent of what one is going through. When the truth is all but spoken, and hope all but existent. The only hindrance being that you cannot fully be, even though you know exactly what it is you want.

When life throws a curve ball, you can’t always catch it… but when you dodge it so it doesn’t hit you in the face, you never realise what it is you’re capable of – you never fully realise how far you’re willing to go to stop the ball from landing in the wrong place.

Sometimes, we wish we knew exactly where the ball was headed, so to act as a guidance for where we ought to go… other times, we throw the ball so far that the rest of our game becomes a journey of finding our landing.

We can never stand too strong, for we will only be hit in the face. Yet we cannot falter, for we shall never know our direction.

Life is only to be lived, for we only have one.
And if the only hindrance is our hard head, perhaps it’s time we learn to sway.

I wish I could foresee the path to tread,
To escape the reality all man should dread.
For if I knew of any direction
I’d stride in confidence, with all discretion.
~McGordan~ 

As the new year commences and everyone around seems to be stressed about new year’s resolutions, one can only help but wonder what the point of a resolution is when we have a tendency to forget them by the end of the year anyway. Each year is filled with achievements of its own, and by creating a resolution is creating another item to be mentally neglected. From what I think, why not just appreciate the achievements we have succeeded rather than plan it?

That said, 2011 really was an interesting year. Beginning as pleasantly single, ready to mingle, plunging into a series of pointless and unsuccessful relationships, April met a beautiful surprise. With Spring around the corner and the chill subsiding slightly, one new (and still ongoing) relationship happened to blossom. 

Yet as summer came around and responsibilities were scarce, for some, the idea of being civil and stable seemed an ideology. Sadly to say, mistakes were made then forgiven, and nothing has been the same since. 

In all honesty, had none of those mistakes been made, complete stability is still out of the question when it comes to us. Security, maybe; stability, fat chance.

Finally, to end the year on the rooftop with fireworks, friends and free-flowing champagne, the night couldn’t have got any better. 

As we’ve plunged into 2012, suppose one can only hope that the life-changing drama is long behind us, and hopefully we can anticipate a balanced and fruitful year – considering an interesting start with a concussion which lead to an agonising night in the hospital..

The months which lie ahead will hopefully be filled with productivity and absolutely no laziness. I guess if I had to make a resolution, it will be

To always be productive, anticipate what lies ahead, and never look back.

Happy new year everyone!

Gordan.

Back into routine and motion, the state of mind only perceived and imagined for what seems like eternity. The stability of lifestyle and surge of brainwaves; the security of control and the ability to self-control. As recklessness becomes a matter of the past, and success the new-found energy consumer, one can’t help but wondering what success really is.

In striving after it, many fail – for success does not exist without a form of neglegence. Whether it be friends and family, or health and work; success is impossible when one is distracted. On the contrary, it is also argued that in doing your best and developing ones own attitude unique from the crowd, success in itself will follow. Like Hawthorne’s perception of “happiness,” success is like a butterfly which flies freely – you don’t chase it, you wait until it lands in the palms of your hand.

This may seem peculiarly stated, however, despite the innumerable amounts of people claiming success and parading as high-achievers, few are genuinely successful on an all-rounded scale. Yes, some may have the life of a king, but what is it to be wealthy when one lacks passion. When emotion escapes the mindset of the corporate “bigshot,” what then is evoked?

A post-modern corporate (and/or cosmopolitan) society will convince its People that success is only achievable through means of minimal distraction – neglegence and suppression; deflection and denial. Which reiterates the former question pending: What is the importance of success?

To study mindlessly and earn passionlessly may masquerade as a frontier of “success,” but when there is no deep down, when there is nothing genuine about the feigned smile on every diplomatic smile, what is the real reason for competition? The real definition of success?

Stating this simplisticly, I would personally argue that passion breeds success. To do what one is passionate about – irrespective of how absurd the idea may appear. Passion may be over-rated, but it is misinterpreted and often forgotten. Drowning in an ocean of green, chasing the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, we as humans have forgotten our humanity, our passion.

What lies ahead is merely a fraction compared to what lies within. For our future depends on how we mold it – on the voice we choose as our mentor. Surrounded by our inspiration, we entangle ourselves with “rationale.”

But as a rational human being, it is pure folly to ignore the truth. The rational claim practicality, but in reality the truth is ignored. And when the truth is ignored, what is rational? If a rational human being disregards truth and lives a lie, how could this then be “rational” ?

To be rational is to accept reality; to be successful is to embrace truth. To move forward, is to remember our aspirations of the past; to leap is to fall and know how to get up.

The love of beauty does not make on extravaggant; the love of things of the mind does not make one soft. (Thucydides)

I’ve only got this one life
And I’m gonna live it right.
~James Morrison~

Relationships
So you get those who yearn for it, yet stay single most of their lives.. and those who are single who spend their lives searching… Going around in circles, looking in all the wrong places. Giving ourselves excuses as to why we should “experiment” and be reckless – ruining other’s potential relationships only because ours failed. All along, the one person who wants to be with you, who you could be with, is right in front of you. But you’re giving yourself reason to “move on,” to “get over” things, and he / she is just waiting for you to “grow up.” What more can we ask for, when we already have everything we could possibly ask for – and we selfishly want more, because we’re so used to getting what we want?

Work
Work seems to be progressing – as hours and salary increase, balancing everything out seems ever more effortless now. Cutting out hours of socialising, replaced with quality time with quality relationships, gym and work – wallet is heavier, weight is lighter; all in all, being productive and not destructive.

Studies
And Day 1 officially begins on Monday, Oct 10th, as text books and study materials have arrived this week. Learning accelerates as ones studies broaden from purely academic to “interest courses” such as learning French and what-not. Funding is also from one’s own pocket, thus the most and best has to be made of this “education.”

Social
Becoming more particular and fastidious regarding socialising and friendships – with a notable amount of failures and pointless relationships, one might feel this fussiness justifiable and thus continuously lives in this manner. Boredom has not hit – surprisingly enough – and loneliness a figment of the past. No abstractions which were previously expected seem to have hindered or intervened in this manner of lifestyle, causing one to become rather suspicious and weary of the past. Perhaps this lifestyle was possible all along, but in choosing to learn the hard way – by befriending the wrong people and softening up to those who took vulnerability for granted – it’s curious that one can swing to the other extreme of not making an effort or simply “avoiding” any social scenarios whatsoever.

Curious. Indeed curious.

To sum up everything, well there really isn’t much to say, really. We move on, life goes on.

C’est La Vie.

Sometimes she wonders if they’re gonna live
Up to who they could be;
The real world is heading for them
Like a high speed train
And she’s not ready…
~Tammin Sursok~

Surrounding ourselves with what we choose to hear, playing to the beat of everyone around us. Strumming to the chorus of what they try to tell us, harmonising to the screams echoing from the insides.

But as it is, we don’t hear the simplicity of the note yearning to escape. Simplistic as a song without frivol, without fanciful technology as enhancers. We don’t seem to hear the bay crying from our insides.

Yet it’s the simplicity of the most innocent lullaby, the tingle of a single Twinkle Twinkle, that penetrates the soul at its deepest.

But we ignore our innocence.

Masked by the secular noises of everything we chose to let in, every drum and bass beat we use as a replica for our true heart beat. We disguise pain with knowledge, burdens weighed down by experience.

And the one time we are reminded of our natural essences as an unscathed, unbroken human foetus, we get drawn back into the abyss what what we have now come to understand as “reality.”

The paradox, is that this reality is only our worst nightmare.

With this speed of light
Ima leave this love behind
And I feel alright
Like I never have tonight.
~KLC~

]]> http://mikaelalam.wordpress.com/2011/08/19/stay-awake/feed/ 0 Mikaela http://mikaelalam.wordpress.com/2011/07/17/the-edge-of-glory/ http://mikaelalam.wordpress.com/2011/07/17/the-edge-of-glory/#comments Sun, 17 Jul 2011 09:06:44 +0000 Mikaela Gordan https://mikaelalam.wordpress.com/2011/07/17/the-edge-of-glory/ ]]> I’m on the edge of glory
And I’m hanging by a moment of truth
I’m on the edge of glory
And I’m hanging by a moment with you
~Lady Gaga~

Work resumes tomorrow as the unprecedented version of reckless behaviour reaches it’s final page. Despite seemingly aimless weeks of restless recklessness, living productively should sooner rather than later commence.

Though this interval between chapters is at it’s finale, one can’t honestly claim that it won’t be missed. This breath of fresh air – or what some may declare as freedom – must be exhaled, however slowly, however abruptly. But in spite of countless moments of breathing, it’s the days that take your breath away which are the ones you mark in history.

However, even history itself renders it’s problems. What was will never change, but if the past is what hinders your present from aligning with future, it must either be eliminated or diminished. History will not repeat itself, but the scars left behind are only reminders of why we are what we are today. I am who I am today because of the choices I made yesterday. But who I am tomorrow is determined by what I do today. And that, is what makes us human. The fact that we have a choice – we are a result of ourselves.

What we do, who we meet, who we keep and when we make those choices determine the “why” in all our unanswered questions in life. The explanation behind all inexplicability; the reason behind irrationality. And to rationalise what was never meant to be understood, merely experienced, diminishes the capacity of reaching ones full potential.

We cannot become limitless until we are pushed beyond our limits. The pinnacle of our capacity never reached until this capacity is stretched.

If life was an elastic band, every pull, every tug only gets us further to where we need to be.

So paint me your canvas so I become what you could never be. ~Shinedown~

A city like Hong Kong breed many a soul concerned with control and the obsessive need to determine the course of one’s own actions. Each individual reaches a point in life where interpersonal relationships and events within one’s comfort zone become no more than mere distractions hindering full potential. However, when the course of actions is no longer what one can control – thus, if circumstances predict almost every outcome and consequence – making an effort will only ease and sooth the impact of the blow, but does not eliminate it entirely.

Some hold back in fear of getting hurt, others simply because they can’t handle the intensity of a deeper, darker reality of life. Many are sheltered from darkness, and each little scratch is the end of the world. But for those who have been dead and dead again have a capacity stretching beyond humane.

Departure and separation are only inevitable, but the process of losing someone you once loved sprouts confusion and aggression. Yet knowing changes everything – having expectations helps determine one’s each and every next move. Knowing when to say what needs to be said, knowing when to make an effort and when to hold back.

And most importantly, knowing how to express what is not meant to be suppressed.

The sad reality of life is that we try to control what was never meant to be controlled, because when we lose all inhibitions and let life take its course, we reach our potential capacity.

And when you truly love someone, you exceed expectations and go beyond the capacity you originally reached.

And right now there’s a war between the vanities
But all i see is you and me
The fight for you is all I’ve ever known
So come home
~One Republic~

Change is inevitable, but despite the gradual pace of this so-called change, the sudden impact of its consequences hits you right in the face and you do a double-take just trying to stay alive.

Every move makes a significant difference – every anticipated outcome – changes everything.

We say things we can’t take back, we miss what we never had… and in missing the concept of us, if there never really was an us, then aren’t we simply missing the potential of there being an us rather than an actual us?

Every high plummets to its abyss before rising back up again, each time stronger but more battered.

But happiness shouldn’t be a pre-set concept – there shouldn’t be a timeframe. Yet to enter into an adventure with the expectation that it will end, only because history has never ceased to disappoint, makes me wonder if that timeframe of happiness is worth the risk?

When perfection lands itself on your doorstep, you don’t ruin the memory of it with a doormat. But simultaneously, you want to keep that perfection all to yourself, because you don’t want anyone else to ruin it.

Yet like a work of art, it is only perfect because there are imperfections – and when one can see the flaws as beauty rather than as hinderances, the only setback is self-doubt.

And when there is self-doubt, there needs courage; and if pain is inevitable regardless of the choice, why not take the choice that maximizes happiness for both parties.

Without an expectation that there will be an end.
Without the preset expiration date.
Without an unreasonable standard of measurement.

Without any form of measurement whatsoever.

The only real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes.

~Marcel Proust~

I need another story
Don’t need another perfect lie.
~One Republic~

Seeing someone rise from the ashes of your past, you’re reminded of that person you once were, that version of yourself that you rightfully walked away from.

The scars resurrect from the graves of where we buried them alive – the memories of each cut, each stab, follow us like a lingering shadow trying to find its home again.

Then you notice the small smile creeping across the edges, enveloping every deflection you once used to justify walking away. That little curve and ever so tiny spark in the eye relights a fire that makes you wonder if it was ever out.

That reminder of who you used to be – the you that you bid farewell – you now stare at from the other side and miss that inexperience that past-you had. You miss that ignorance, that innocence; but experience weighs you down.

And you want to walk away again, from the reminders of your past – the good and the bad.

For the good is as enticing and catastrophically hypnotic, because we know that there was a point in life where that version of us was all we could be; that version of us satisfied us.

That version made us happy, however temporary.

Yet the bad evokes the pain we now learnt to suppress, the anguish we now learn to oversee; the agony we now deem trivial; the scars we now curtain.

And yet goodbyes are never forever – because who we were is the maker of who we are; and who we are is the murderer of who we were.

There is no perfect crime – traces of our past closeted in every corner, becoming a Monster of Dust building its power: the longer we leave it unattended, the stronger it gets.

The older our history, the greater the impact. If our lives were a catapult, the longer we trace back the harder the hit into the present. But without going back, there is no way forward…

If I ever had a real chance to travel in a time machine
Where would I go?
Probably wouldn’t wanna see the past
Cuz all the memories are enough.
~Example~

The present was once the far-fetched future man was sure would never arrive. Once a dream, now a reality; once a reality, now a memory.

With the future seemingly intangible, what guarantee is there that tomorrow will arrive? If tomorrow never comes for you or for me, one of us will have to face the future alone. And whether that be with a new better-half or forever reveling in the fact that the best ever is now a memory, the present will only ever be as good as the future gets.

Yet when the future becomes the present, which present is the best: the memory or the actual present?

Dreams of the future so elusive, but current happenings around us can’t even be perceived as concrete. Whatever can be manipulated or logiced into sense, however distorted or irrational, is within our control. Thus, nothing is abstract, nor absolute.

Except that statement.
Or is it?

There is no 100% because man is selfish – we give only to get. For it is mans instinct to survive, thus nothing will be done unless survival is ensured. There can be no giving unless there is something for the taking.

In others, we find what we are lacking. In ourselves, we give what it takes to gain what we’re lacking.

No sacrifice is absolute; no love is agape.

Because as a human, every breath we give back to the earth is every breath we expect to take in.

take me as I am or step aside cuz I bring my own heartbeat.

‘Cause You’re Free
To Do What You Want To Do
You’ve Got To Live Your Life
Do What You Want To Do ~Ultra Nate~